The day I’ve been dreading…

Welp. The dreaded day has arrived. The day I’ve put off in my mind for the past 12 weeks. The day that would magically disappear if I didn’t think about it. The day that I’ve tried to avoid and yet, somehow it just crept it’s slimy little self into my reality.

Yup. I’m back at work.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is absolutely no reflection on where or who I work with. I really actually enjoy it. But the thought of not being at home with my little guy for every smile to poopy diaper about brings me to tears as I type this.

While I know that Kolsen is in great hands while I’m away, it doesn’t make it any easier. In fact, I was a mess last night. A crying, blubbery mess at just the mere sight of my babe. As the night was closing in on his bedtime, it hit me. {Get ready for the dramatics}

What if I miss something?

What if I miss one of his firsts?  

This is the last time I’ll get to hold him before daycare.

This is the last time he’s going to see me before daycare.

This is the last time he’s going to smile at me before daycare.

This is the last time I’m going to change his diaper before daycare… Yup. Just went there.

Now, if you know me, I don’t get too overly emotional about many things.  In fact, in high school my basketball coach would yell at me for not showing enough emotion. Just call me Lady Gaga because I have a very good poker face. While I can be pretty stoic on the outside at times {and can come off a little harsh – hey, I’m a work in progress too…}, I can be a complete ball of jittery nerves and sea of tears on the inside.

As my luck would have it, the dreaded morning arrived too quickly. My first instinct was to wake Kolsen up and just hold him for a few hours…is that too much to ask for? Apparently it is, because as Jake scooted out the door to daycare, I wanted to give him “just one more kiss”, “just one more squeeze”, “just one more time to tell him I love him”…and then that was it. My baby was off to daycare.

I was sitting in my car trying to hold myself together {I couldn’t go back to work with bloodshot eyes and mascara streaming down my face. Not exactly the look I was going for}, but what I needed to do and what I wanted to do were two opposite things. Chase after Jake’s car like a crazy lady, grab my baby and go cuddle the rest of the day or go to work…I realized what I need to do and being strong and letting go was my only option.

You see, I can be a bit of  a control freak at times.  And as I face this letting-go-of-control-thing head on, I realize it is somewhat necessary. Easy? Heck no. Worth it? I think so.

I have slowly started to realize that letting go doesn’t mean that things will fall apart. That if things don’t get done the exact way that I would do them, it’s still going to be okay. Everything will be okay. I have faith that He will make them okay. And if it doesn’t seem okay at first, I must remember that this is God’s way of challenging and teaching me that in time, it will be.

In the end, I think this will make me a better momma, make me appreciate the time I do have with him, help him grow in ways that I might not be able to offer, and to give my family new experiences that we might not know of otherwise. And if at the end of the day that’s what we get – I’m okay with that.



2 thoughts on “The day I’ve been dreading…

  1. Now you know how I felt when you went off to college. I’m not saying it gets easier but at least you know as a mom that letting go is okay

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